Good morning..grab a cup of coffee ,tea, water, or what ever you like to drink to wet your whistle, come join me for a quick break, if you would please..I just need someone to talk with a bit and vent to get something that’s bothering me off my chest…
I know I’m not on here a lot, and I’m not a seasoned blogger , still a beginner here but sometimes I just feel like sharing a few thoughts with you. A lot of stuff I do keep to my self and deal with it best I can but the more I do …the more it eats at me so I needed a place to write it down to get it out of my system, so here I am.
Let me start off by saying I love all my kids and my grandkids and Yes I even have a few great grandkids. I always swore I would not be a butt in parent and be meddling in their lives by telling them they should or shouldn’t do something or how to do it. I figured kids need to learn from doing and making their own mistakes or sucessess. Some parents and grandparents are involved in every part of their kids and grandkids daily lives ( there is nothing wrong with that if you are) and always telling them what they should do or shouldnt. They jump in and be more of a parent instead of a grandparent and take over everything not letting the kids learn things themselves. I had parents like that and they were always telling me how I should do things, got mad when I didn’t do it their way because they said so and disciplined my kids, the way they thought was right. I didn’t want my kids to be raised like that so I let them make their own choices once they were old enough to understand right from wrong. Right or wrong it was theirs to deal with and learn from.I may not have been the best but I did what I thought was right and the best I could. And my kids have all grown up and made me a very proud parent and grandparent.
All my kids are grown and have kids of their own and their kids are grown . Most just out of high school and going to collage and learning things and doing things and making wise decisions. I’m so very proud of all my kids and grandkids, and the ones that are making me a great grandma ..well let’s just say I pop my buttons every time I got to see something about them. I don’t live close to them anymore to be able to be a constant daily part of their lives , because we all live in different states. So social media is how I try to keep up with everyone. It’s how over the years I’ve gotten to watch them grow, and get to see what’s going on with them. I’ve laughed and cried at some of their post and wished my life was different so I could have been there for them. I’ve missed a lot of big moments in their lives that I should have been there for by living so far away and not having the funds to travel to see them, or a dependable vehicle that would get me there safely and back. I didn’t have time I could take off from work because I was classified as part time and part timers don’t get vacation only full time.
I’m not rich but I’m not dirt poor either.I do what I can do… I don’t make a lot of money as a cashier here in Ky to be able to stash away for trips,or what some call “a rainy day” or to just buy things all the time or things I really want. I make due with what I have, or repurpose things to work for what I need.I make things for others out of love and give it to them no charge. I’ve made blankets , mask, bags, jewelry. I make things out of nothing like ornaments out of biscuit cans( yes biscuit cans I use every part of them and No one knows it originally started as a biscuit can) and attach photos on them, deck them all out, and make memory ornaments that can get passed down for generations to come. I can’t afford to go out and buy new stuff every year or just because I’m tired of the same ol thing. I send things I make by hand to everyone I care about. I was always told handmade shows someone you really thought about them instead of just going and buying anything you think they’ll like .More thought into a gift shows more love is what grams always said.
I’ll look at things and dream about having it one day or look at vacation sites and dream about being there and picking my spot and dream of being there ..like seeing a picture of the beach with a sunset..I’ll pick my spot right over there and picture my self sitting there enjoying that sunset… but that’s as close as I ever get to my dreams and wants. Because that’s all I can afford is to dream..dreaming don’t cost anything, and I don’t have to worry about getting lost..At my age memory goes and driving alone..well I’m not good at.
I started of as a part time cashier that was working full time hours for many years and not getting the benefits of full time like vacations till recently. And still..I can’t go and do what I want. It takes me years to try and scrimp and save enough to do something I want to. Then when Im so close..something always.comes up and I have to use that savings for other things like brakes, waterpump, tires,or even groceries and bills because of a short check. My hours still vary week to week My money is used and divided up to pay bills and what is left isn’t much at all …less than 20$ some weeks if I’m lucky. I live paycheck to paycheck and stretch my paycheck as far as I can with what I get. My hours vary, according to the needs of the company. Some weeks I work 36-38 and other weeks I work 8-16.
This blog is about something I didn’t know, and the first part was to let you in a part of my life that has lead up to this. I was told this by a granddaughter before she blocked me on a social media site…So let’s see how many of you knew this.. or have had it happen to you..
if you don’t travel to visit you don’t love them ..always thought travel was both ways. Didn’t know grandparents have to do ALL the traveling…
Commenting on their post is trying to push into their lives and if you do be prepared to be ignored and or blocked
If you don’t live close you don’t know nothing about them.and no matter how much you keep in touch and check on them everyday you just never know them and your no better than a stranger
If a family member starts a business and you make a purchase to help support them, don’t do a review when you don’t get your items in 3 months because it will be your fault their business failed.
If they have a family member pass away, or a friend gets hurt, or someone gets married and post it..DON’T comment!!! It will make them think your trying to push your way in to their lives.
My oldest daughter is from a rape case when I was 14 and I gave her up for adoption to a very nice family that was well off. Both were collage professors, already had a nice home and had been trying a long time to have children. They gave her everything I couldn’t and so much more .I got to occasionally see pictures of her as she was growing up, and once seen her from a distance at my Aunts 50th birthday party. When she turned 18 we got to meet face to face, I also got to meet my 1st great grandson at the same time when he was very little. and when my granddaughter was born I wasn’t there but I watched her grow up in pictures .and got to see her once when she was a flower girl in my 2nd daughters wedding before her dad got mad and drug them all back home Said because we were drinking and celebrating the wedding we were alcoholics and he didn’t want his family exposed to that,because he came from an alcoholic family and knew what it was like.We have stayed in touch and Since we don’t live close the only way we kept in contact was by phone or social media. Its my only connection to seeing everyone .
I loved watching them grow..my granddaughter was into softball and was really good at it.She was one Heck of a pitcher and wipped that ball fast!!.She was also into photography and took some amazing pictures. She even got my mom’s 35mms camera and all the fancy lenses she had when she passed away. My grandson was of course into cars and motorcycles and was always showing me the cool stuff he did.Seen pictures of trips they took and prom ohhh that was the best seeing them all dressed up and grown up. I talked often with my granddaughter, my grandson was always busy with cars or his girlfriend’s so we didn’t talk much. When my granddaughter would feel depressed I was there either on the phone or on social media to cheer her up talk to her, helped her when she went thru some tough relationships breakups.. or at least I thought I helped..
I was one of the first ones that got the news that she was pregnant with my 1st great granddaughter,I was so excited.Got to see pictures of my great granddaughter born, growing up, changing ,laughing. Smiling, cutting her first teeth,her first experience at the beach and the lake with her mommy, daddy, and other grandparents. I was in heaven watching this little angel grow up, even if it was just in pictures,and I wasn’t close enough to visit. My granddaughter and I use to talk all the time and I was saving and planning a vacation to go up surprise them and see everyone when Covid hit…and that changed everything.
The nice people that adopted my daughter when I was 14 ended up getting covid and both passed away within a year of each other,God bless and rest their souls… needless to say it devastated them all very much.My granddaughter was very devastated to say the least..they were her world..and when that happened our relationship ended as well….she didn’t want anything from me, she didn’t want Me to offer my condolences…she grew very angry that God took away the two that meant the world to her..
I would comment on her post.. she wouldn’t acknowledge it.. I sent my condolences.. and still nothing.. they had to sell their grandparents house and she posted pictures of it.. I commented how it would be nice if the house could stay in the family to continue making memories there that they loved to visit so much… still nothing…. wished her a happy birthday … nothing… wished my great granddaughter a happy birthday 🎂… and still nothing…. my granddaughter got married,to a very nice young man and has been a great dad to my great granddaughter, I congratulated them I wished her the best and still nothing. I was wondering what I did wrong why she wasn’t talking to me…I asked her mom, I asked my other kids if they had any idea why she wasn’t talking to me..I even messages her and No one knew and she didn’t reply until later.
She sent me a very hurtful message saying she didn’t need Me to be in her life. Didn’t want me in her life because if I couldn’t come see her then I didn’t love her or know her. Said all my little comments were unneeded and unwanted. All she wanted in her life was her grandparents that passed and I was not going to work my way in and try to be what she called “#1 grandma” with all my comments. Said I knew nothing about her and she wanted nothing to do with me. She didn’t understand why After so long of not coming to see them that all of a sudden I was interested in coming when she found out I had planned on coming up till covid hit. She said I ruined her business by leaving a negative review when I didn’t receive what I purchaded which was 3 months over due..the review I left just said package not received and was wondering where it was..she refunded my money said it was lost in the mail..but the tracking I go said it was waiting for the merchandise to be shipped and that only a label was created. That’s as far as it got…So..I got blocked on social media
Now I can’t see anything about her.. or my great granddaughter,and that hurts very deeply because I have found out thru the grape vine she is due to have her second child this October.. My world has crashed.. And I don’t understand why…. Sure I have other grandkids and some great grandkids thru the relationship I’m in… but it’s not the same as your own blood relation. Am I wrong for wanting to be a part of their lives.. I was told to just give her time she will come aound, but I know how she is.. once she sets her mind that’s it… she even has her own brother blocked on social media for some disagreement they had..
will she ever realize even though I didn’t travel to see her as often as I wanted to but wished I could..that I did love her? Will she ever realize how much her harsh words cut to my soul? Will she ever know how much I truly do love her before my time is up? Will my great grand kids ever get the chance to see me or know who I really am before I die? Will she ever realize that every comment I made I made it because I truly care and love her?
well guess II’ll never know the answers.to these questions.. and it eats at me inside every day.. I see pictures of my daughter doing kidney dialysis every day and it hurts because I can’t be there to help her thru this while she waits on a kidney donor. She’s staying strong as she can because she has so much to live for..a beautiful young precious little granddaughter and another one on the way in October. My heart and prayer go out constantly to her and to my granddaughter carrying this new baby due in Oct. I know I’m to blame for my daughter’s kidney problems and if anything happends…my granddaughter will lash out at me for that as well..I don’t know how to make this right..can our relationship even be fixed.. I don’t know… she don’t know what it’s like to be away from ones you love and be blocked . I hope and pray she never had to feel this pain when her children grow up and have lives of their own. Maybe then and only then will she understand the hurt I feel..but by then..I’ll already be long gone, And she won’t be able to hear me say I forgive you because I love you..
Thank you for taking the time to read my venting..please keep my family in your prayers. Pray God will open my granddaughter heart and show her time is to precious to stay mad and angry over small stuff. Open her mind and help her to understand There are things out of people’s control.. We can’t stop death.. we don’t have money trees to always be able to pick from when we want to go do something.. We wish we had one but that don’t happen. Only way that happened is have so much extra money you can afford to travel and do what you want when ever you want. She makes trips a couple of times a year to go see other family members, but never once came to see her grandma..me… guess I just wasn’t worth her time..
I guess it’s true life is not Always What you want it to be…so make the best of what you have, pray for those that turn their backs on you .Love your family even if you disagree, and no matter how much distance is between always be there for them in someway. And most importantly…cherish every moment you have with your family because you never know when it will be your last…
today is my 61st birthday and I don’t know if she will see this or not. Probably won’t but I’ll say this anyway… what ever I’ve done wrong to anger you.. I’m sorry… I’m sorry for not being around…, I’m sorry for not having the money to come visit I know I’m not the best but I try my best . I’m trying to understand why you don’t want me in your life, and I will accept your choice no matter how much it hurts . I hope and pray someday you never have to feel this kinda pain of rejection from your daughter or granddaughter. And if we never talk again before I pass..just know this….I forgive you and I will forever love you and send angels to watch over you and your family..
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